5/31/22:
Since your return to Portland you have been told in so many ways that you have changed.
Now at Soak, your regional, your old home, you’ve been told you are living your truth.
You’ve been told that your energy is open.
Upon seeing you several many offered a kiss on the neck when last year it was an elbow bump, at the best of times. Some told you that they love you. You told some that you love them.
You see the truth of what is. You reengage with old groups, old communities, old friends. What you see, where once there was heartache, now is a memory of that heart ache. That memory arises and as it falls away as you sit in a place of presence, you sit in a place of loving kindness. You sit in a place of raucous laughter for all that there is.
You came to this event to feel into what this city and what this community can offer you.
You came to this event to feel into what you could offer to the city and to the community.
You came to this event to experience how it used to feel.
You came to this event to try something new and to serve.
You helped serve a ten course meal during a live show for a dozen people.
During prep the skies turn dark.
During admission the drizzle came down.
During the first course the skies opened and soaked everything.
As the rain poured and the winds tore at the covering, In this heart of the kitchen all hustle and bustle, you laughed. You laughed as the water seeped through the awning and sizzled on the grill. You laughed as the rain soaked the bread and turned them into tiny boats. You laughed as the one man show played on and offered dad jokes and puns.
No one was in any danger. It was a revelry in the chaos of unpredictable service and it warmed your heart as it froze your skin.
The questions you had, now have answers. To serve is the way. You want to serve not just for this meal but for life. For so many you can cater your service to the pallets of a familiar tongue. To those walking the paths you have walked. To those struggling in the ways that you have struggled. You can light the way and offer a choice.
The meal is done and that chaos is over.
You continue on. You explore the regional.
You had a conversation with a participant. Everyone here was a participant, including you.
You sat with one participant and discussed psychedelics. They shared their struggles with past sessions. They said how their sessions offered them fear and paranoia.
You ask about their efforts and goals. You listen to the work they have started. Most people already know the path that they must walk. Often they just need to be asked the right questions to remind themselves and feel that confidence. You offer them that reminder.
You offer them ways to change their mind in their daily life. You offer them ways to change the set and setting.
You offer them love.
You offer them compassion.
You offer them validation.
You offer them confidence.
You offer them a way forward.
They feel heard. They feel accepted. They see what is offered.
You continue on with the regional.
You meet someone new. You talk with them, you laugh with them. You become fascinated by them. After a few hours you see them again in a crowd and notice an old strong pull.
You see an old habit pattern of the mind play out here. A clinging, a grasping for another soul. You notice them in a crowd and it’s hard to pull your gaze away or the desire to talk to them. It’s like trying not to think of a “pink elephant”.
After noticing this habit pattern of the mind, in time, you begin to surrender. You begin to release that rope that’s been tugging you, that newly cultivated attachment. And eventually the next time you see them in a crowd your gaze moves on when another connection is no longer needed or desired.
You continue on with the regional.
You have reconnected with an old master. A master artist. A master of external movement. A master of internal movement. You see his soul and it’s so very clear, it’s so very bright. He’s radiant. He’s practically glowing.
He compliments you and you feel this of the highest honor. He likes the art you make. He likes how it is raw and unfiltered. How it’s been a joy to read. It fills your heart. That was what solidified your commitment, strengthened that path forward.
He paints your portait. You have been wearing a robe that you bought in Nepal. It is an echo of a traditional buddhist robe. It’s all in black and gray. It’s handmade. It’s an echo of that path you can see your future taking.
Earlier in the day, while exploring the regional, you found a tent of roses. Dozens of plastic roses glued to clips so you could you wear an eternal flower in your hair. You attached a white rose to your robe, it is clipped near your heart.
At burns, these microcosms of Burningman, the participants express themselves in any way they desire. Sometimes it’s through elaborate handmade customs, sometimes it’s Victorian garb out of an Anne Rice novel, sometimes it’s shiny fairy wings.
For you, you choose this clothing, this robe, so that you would wear the soul of a monk. To wear the soul of the peace you have been seeking and the love you have been offering. Like the others, it’s playing with a portrayal of who we really are, and who we aspire to be.
One friend who you met already thought you were a monk. You tell him that no you weren’t but you did explore the hidden sacred caves of Nepal. You did tell him that you sat at a silent meditation retreat in the Himalayas on a mountain top where you woke before the clouds arose in the valley, walked through the clouds at noon and walked under them at sunset.
The white rose that was offered in a tent was accepted by you as a token of the unbearable open heartedness that you seek to bear. The robes are your commitment to yourself and to others of the “spiritual path”, of doing the soul work, of doing the healing that needs to be done.
You think on all these things as he paints you. You never used to like any representation of yourself. You were so judgy. But now you are honored by this portrait.
So you sit there as he paints. It is cold for you and for him. The sun is setting as the wet ground and fierce wind kicks up it cools all things. So as you sit for your portrait you practice breath work. You do tumo, breath of fire breathing, as you sit in these old farm grounds. You stoke your internal fire and you wait closed eyes for him while he paints you.
You sit crossed legged as in meditation. You sit with one leg extended out. This is an echo of a goddess that you’ve learned about you. In her depictions she has one leg extended and it signifies lightning compassion, immediate action. It is what you wish to offer to others. And it is not an immediate knee jerk reaction. It’s a clear and true strike towards that which must be offered, and that which must be done.
He has painted this posture. He has also painted you sitting in a field with others behind you. The dark gray coat is filled with purples and reds while the flower is in full bloom, a radiant white. It is how he sees you and now how you can see yourself. It is a blessing.
After you talk about his practices and what he’s been up to. You two share a quick lesson in the embodiment and energetic techniques he’s been creating. You follow his instructions and you can taste his clarity of heart. It’s a shared presence and a shared joy. You thank him and return to camp.